Font size
Letter spacing
Line height
Highlight titles
Hide images
Reading mask
Highlight links
Black cursor
White cursor
High contrast
Soft contrast
Black and white
Audio Description

Merg

A short story by Ker Wallwork

On waking, Merg’s head was thick with pain. The pain made Merg anxious, so she got up. Soon finding she was still anxious on rising, she lay down. She remained anxious and so attempted a seated position. Sitting provided no relief, so she rose to her feet once more. Merg continued in this routine of standing and lying and sitting and rising, until she was bored. The boredom provided a little light relief until the thought that she should do something to alleviate the boredom rendered her body rigid to the point of vibration. Finding herself no longer bored but overwhelmed, she returned to the task of positioning her body. It was then that she heard a strange tapping sound. It was coming from the skirting board. A small flat white triangle emerged. It quivered awkwardly as though stuck, before lurching forward, revealing itself as the folded corner of a sheet of white printer paper. On the paper was a sentence that read: If form BI127 is not returned within 10 working days then you may be subject to a sanction. Below that was a digital signature squiggled above the words DAVE DESPACIO, Decision Maker. In the bottom corner was a logo that looked like a pile of shit with a flake stuck in it and the words ‘Kensington Council’. Merg stood with her body bent from the waist so she was perpendicular with the sheet and read it with some interest. She moved the words ‘Decision Maker’ around her mouth slowly and twisted her head to try and decipher the logo but she did not reach for the paper, preferring it to keep its distance on the lino. A shuffling sound began from behind the wall, building to a rumble before a flurry of sheets followed the first. They moved faster this time, without the bother of the quivering corner checking if it was safe to proceed. The papers flew from the skirting board with such speed they made a series of clicks as they landed. Another rumble began and soon a thick flurry of forms erupted from the dado rail above, harmonising the clicks into a not unpleasant ‘pfft-pfft-pfft’ sound. Eventually a social worker crawled out of the woodwork.
Merg blinked. She knew it was a social worker, she’d heard the name and maybe seen photos in books or documentaries, but it was peculiar seeing one here on the floor in front of her. They were archaic things that didn’t look right in the contemporary world, it was like seeing a dodo or a floppy disk. “I guess they are re-wilding nowadays,” Merg thought to herself. “If wolves are being reintroduced to Scotland, perhaps social workers are being reintroduced to England.” The social worker readjusted her clothes, yanking up her tights and smoothing out her skirt in an instinctive but neat little jump. She gathered the papers that had heralded her arrival, and made a half-hearted attempt at ordering them. She then fixed a glassy smile on Merg, tilting her head slightly. Merg slowly straightened her back from the 90 degree angle she had been examining the papers from. They stood in silence eyeing one another. The social worker occasionally changing the direction of her professionally-perfected head tilt. A hefty silence continued between them until Merg could take it no more and announced: “You crawled out of the woodwork.” This was obviously the wrong thing to say as a stain of annoyance spread through the social worker’s smile. “Well… no, not exactly,” she said as she adjusted her glasses, “I don’t make a habit of crawling. And besides, where else, exactly, would you expect me to be? It’s not like the old days when we had departments, offices, filing cabinets. Our resources have been decimated.” The social worker stretched her mouth back into its closed-lip curve of concern. “But more importantly, how are you today Maeve?” “Merg,” said Merg. “Oh dear, that doesn’t sound very good,” said the social worker. “Now, let’s see what we can do to get you back into work.” Merg stared at the social worker, who produced a pen and lined pad, and sat on the edge of the bed looking expectantly at her. “Uh…” began Merg. “Now, now,” said the social worker. “It’s not going to help you, is it? Being lazy. I understand that currently you are in hospital but I cannot stress enough just how important it is to keep the right attitude, mmkay? Alright? Now, let’s see… yes, here it is, HWC the Health and Work Conversation, a quick but effective way to help claimants feel more open to taking on challenges, during the WCA and beyond.” She studied the top page of a thick wodge of A4 sheets, and in a monotone rush read: “I would like to start this discussion by acknowledging that you have name of condition but let’s quickly move onto something positive you have mentioned, such as an activity you enjoy doing.”
The social worker smiled hopefully at Merg. “Now, Maeve, what was it you said you enjoyed?” “I… um… I mean… What?” said Merg. The social worker looked disappointed. “You don’t want to become addicted to being ill now Maeve, do you? You must look towards the future. Work is vital to your self-worth and right now you seem quite defensive. I think you would benefit from spending some time thinking about what’s really important to you. Here, this should help you be more open with me, okay?” “I only just got here,” said Merg, taking the sheet of paper the social worker was thrusting towards her. “I’m not sure I’m even meant to leave this room.” “Yet,” said the social worker. “Not meant to leave this room yet.”
“I’m sorry, I don’t understand,” said Merg. “What’s the point of this? I thought I was going to see a doctor this morning.” “Your medical treatment has nothing to do with me, Maeve. My work is more holistic than that,” the social worker rose to her feet, her joints making a splintering sound as she moved towards the door before pausing, giving Merg a cold look. “Honestly, I would love to be in your position, lying about doing nothing. Do you have any idea how tired I am? How difficult this job is? I’ve got a lot of appointments after this one, you know, with people who are much worse than you are. And that’s before we even get to the paperwork. “Even with all the will in the world, I can only help those who are willing to help themselves. At the end of the day it’s up to you what you get out of my support. Time waits for no man…” she looked quizzically at Merg. “Or... woman? But the point is, okay, that it’s your decision. Now, are you going to at least try to help yourself, Maeve?” Merg wanted the social worker to go away, so she nodded. “Good. Well, I am supposed to remind you that your commitments are voluntary, okay, but I will be arranging a follow up to discuss with you how you have got on, and there may be consequences if I don’t feel you are sufficiently engaged with the process. It really is very important that you engage fully with this exercise, it will help when you come to create your Labour Market System Action Plan, okay?” As the social worker was speaking, Merg noticed that the panel of frosted safety glass in the door behind her was beginning to change. Stripes were emerging in its gridded surface. Clear, then frost, clear, then frost, clear, then frost. Visible in these clear stripes, and suggested in the frosted ones, was a round brown face. Handsome and smiling. The owner of the face knocked, opened the door, and entered the room in a swift movement, then stood there, still smiling. “Oh, hello,” said the social worker. “Maeve and I were just finishing up, weren’t we Maeve? I’ll be arranging a follow up.” The new face nodded. “Very good,” it said. “Right, yes, well, I’ll just sign out then,” the social worker hesitated, glancing at the skirting board. “GOODBYE MAEVE, YOU TAKE CARE,” she said, her voice inexplicably increasing in volume and slowing in speed, before she darted through the open door. “Mary, my friend!” the new face said without skipping a beat. “I am Aisha, it is a pleasure to meet you. I will be your named nurse. Did you have breakfast? You know where the refreshment area is? You’ll
have to ask if you want anything hot, a tea or a bath. But first, of course, we will have some paperwork to do.” Aisha picked up the papers that the social worker had left behind and arranged them with her own stack of paper, carefully interleaving the sheets one by one. “Okay, so we will be doing the CBAB version of the assessment,” she said “The kebab version?” asked Merg. “Yes, that’s right. You know, a version is a particular form of something that is slightly different from other forms of the same thing,” said Aisha kindly. “So, we’re going to do the CBAB version, which is slightly unlike the previous CPA version, which was a development on the SMEL formulation.” “Oh... right...” said Merg. “So with the CBAB assessment, this has been designed to complement and build on solution-focused training. It is a conversation, it is claimant-led, it is holistic, it is calm. So it will help you, the customer, to think about what you value in life beyond health and work.” Aisha plonked herself down on the edge of the bed, leafing through the papers. “So… to assess the extent to which your capability for work may be improved by the taking of steps in relation to your physical or mental con…” She stopped mid-sentence looking around the room despondently. Merg waited, not sure if this was part of the assessment. She watched a gridded square of light flicker across the floor. “A strong wind/ the changing light/ a moment’s peace and quiet: moves you/ proves you.” Aisha rubbed her eyes and said quietly: “Things are not themselves.” “Sorry?” said Merg. “Don’t be, it’s not your fault,” said Aisha. “Form does not follow function, it follows vision. Vision follows reality and honestly, what a miserable reality to have chosen as your guide, but here we are. A world with no imagination. These windows, that sink. A farce. What comfort in these pastel walls, that synthetic blanket? None. None at all. Not that they’ll admit it but a bed is not a bed, is not a bed, is not a bed.” She stared glumly at the armchair opposite. “This chair looks fat,” she said, nudging it with her toe. “It’s weighted down, but fat as it may be, there is no pleasant softness to be found. It’s wipe clean and mean.” She rubbed her eyes and forehead again. “But you know what I’m supposed to tell you? I’m supposed to tell you
to take this time and throw it to the bottom of the garden. Let the worms eat it. Don’t look back, don’t reflect. “And in a place of fat chairs and thin support it might be what’s best, keep moving, get on, get away. But if you’re moving externally while keeping lumpen inside, then why would you bother, Mary? “The day that you don’t look back on the previous and exclaim to yourself that dear Lord, yesterday I was barely conscious, a mere rock being kicked along the dirt, but today my understanding runs deeper, today I see further, that is a day that your consciousness has indeed ceased. You are done, finished, kaput. A rest is no excuse for congealing…” Aisha was interrupted by a sudden cry from the radio belted to her waist. “The concept of time has never returned. “The concept of time has not yet returned.” “An emergency Mary, I must go,” said Aisha, smiling once more as she scuttled out of the door. Merg sits on the fat chair and looks out the window. The building she is in wraps around a small courtyard. It is nearing dark on the grey square of tarmac below, but in the blue above, a seagull flies so high its belly glows pink. Merg watches it rise higher, becoming a radiant orb before splitting into two, gliding side by side.

Related

Abstract digital illustration with three people in the centre, one with a walking stick, one with blue hair and holding a white cat, one with a brown hat on, all wearing masks. They are enclosed in a bubble and around them are neon green and pink germ shapes

Compromised – Surviving In Isolation

Abstract digital illustration of a family keeping each other safe by Amaranthia Sepia

 A sun streaked brown-duvet crumpled up on a white bed with two feet just peeking out at the bottom

An Open Letter To My Bed

A Juicy and Definitely Scientific Qualitative and Quantitative Comparison of Cure vs. Care

Poetry of care by Miriam Saperstein

 Disjointed body parts with flowers, leaves and herbs growing from them.

Trans community healthcare – an introduction by Dani Singer

An introduction to trans community healthcare by Dani Singer

 A hand with silver stabiliser rings places a plaster onto their other hand

CripPleasurePower

An experimental documentary essay that explores the possibilities of aligning your pleasures with your values

 Abstract style colourful illustration of people in various body positions and different angles. Image has orange filter on it

Loss of reason

Peter Barham explores white supremacy’s dominating influence on madness.

 front cover of Sophie Chauhan's book Curious Affinities which has a mustard yellow cover and is sitting on top of a woven blanket. Image has yellow-green filter on it

Is pain always political?

An excerpt from Sophie Chauhan’s book Curious Affinities

 Bowl of lentil soup with green filter overlay

Fatteh Adas during genocide

From the West Bank, Lama Obeid shares a lyrical recipe for the Palestinian dish Fatteh Adas against the backdrop of the genocide