An Open Letter To My Bed

Dear Bed, 

Sometimes I fear I’ve grown to hate you. I’m sorry to start off so harshly, but really it’s you who should apologize. What right do you have to hold me captive so insistently? Why is it that after hours and hours of time together you still demand more? How have you managed to poison my mind such that even when I’m out and about walking, or working, or God forbid having fun, thoughts of you still creep in and overtake me? 

I think it’s always been like this. For as long as I can remember I’ve felt restless and unsettled around you. Or rather when I see you at night all I can seem to do is toss and turn. When I see you in the morning, on the other hand, I just want to let you spoon me into oblivion. I don’t know how exactly, but I’m sure this cruel sorcery is your fault. You always want me most when I try to set boundaries. And most of the time you end up getting me too. You are a master manipulator Bed. How do you bend me to your bidding so effortlessly? 

Perhaps I’m being a bit unfair. After all, it’s not like I haven’t played a part in our sordid affair. Night after night I come crawling back to you. You’re like a songless siren to me. Your silent, ubiquitous call is irresistible. Cause don’t get me wrong, I want to be with you! But there has to be a healthier arrangement for us! 9 hours together at a time seems reasonable to me. Lately though you’ve been keeping me for 12, 13, 14 or even more. Not only do we spend our nights together, but more and more frequently our days as well. It’s just too much! My friends have been asking about me, you know. Just yesterday Sun left a voicemail,

“Hey girly-girl!” she chirped. You know how peppy she can be. “Just wondering where you’ve been. Haven’t seen you in a while and I miss you bitch! Me and some others are getting together tomorrow and I was hoping you would join. Fresh Air will be there and so will Trees and Birds. I know they really miss you too. Anywayyyy please come we would all love to see you. Don’t bring Bed. Love ya, bye!” 

Well tomorrow has arrived and here I am with you. 

I bet you’re wondering what that “don’t bring Bed” was about. It’s no secret my friends don’t like you. They say we spend too much time together. Everyone says that. Doctor, Job, Mom, Sun, Sky. Everyone. Do you know how embarrassing that is Bed? Do you know how ashamed I feel when people ask where I’ve been and I have to confess that I was at your place? That I’m always at your place? It’s humiliating! 

And I know you’ll come back at me saying I haven’t been faithful. It’s true, I have been sleeping around. I stay with Couch some nights and a couple times I’ve even done a little unprotected sleeping with Subway Seat too. But that is totally within the bounds of our relationship! You agreed to be open! And face it Bed, most of my time is spent with you. Remember that time a couple weeks ago? I didn’t leave your side for three days straight. Didn’t brush my teeth, didn’t shower, barely ate. It was just you and me and me and you for 72 hours. By the third day the only thing I hated more than you was myself. That’s the truth Bed. I hate you. I hate you with all my being. You make me look so bad Bed. You keep me away from everything active and real. You are making me waste my life! You are holding me prisoner! You are a monster Bed! You’re a monster! 

I’m sorry Bed. I shouldn’t have yelled like that. The truth is, and even though this is obvious it’s hard for me to say, I know this isn’t all your fault. It isn’t just us in this relationship.

There’s also them. Depression. We’re a curious throuple, us three. Depression is the real needy lover. So often it is them I am running from when I find myself in your welcoming embrace. Polyamory is hard, just as you warned it would be. 

Sun just called again, “I didn’t do something wrong did I? Is it cause I called you ‘girly-girl’? You know I mean it in a non-gendered sort of way. Ditto to bitch. But if it was weird or whatever I’m sorry. We’ll be out here in the park til about 5 if you still want to meet up. It would be so nice to see you, even if it’s just for a second. Sorry again for being awkward. Please come. Please don’t bring Bed. Love ya, bye!” 

Sun can be needy too. Everyone wants so much from me. 

I guess that’s why, if I’m being really honest, I don’t actually hate you. I’m grateful for you. I know I said you hold me captive, but the truth is you’re the only one who never asks anything of me. You’re just there. I appreciate that. 

Maybe I’m just anxious that so many people seem to judge me for the time I spend with you. But maybe those people don’t know what they’re talking about. Bed, you are patient with me. You tell me it’s ok to be still, to move slowly, to not be productive, but instead to just be. You take me on new adventures, through books, through television, even through the stories we write when we’re together. I like how soft you are Bed, how gentle. And you look hot in that new quilt I picked out for you. 

Sometimes when we’re together it feels like we’re time traveling. Yes, sometimes you eat large chunks of time. I’ll have just said hello and suddenly 12 hours will have passed. But you make time too. Sometimes I stop over for 20 minutes and then the rest of my day unfolds like reverse origami. It’s like a miracle when that happens. You’re miraculous to me when that happens.

And you’re not as possessive as people say! In fact, I love how into threesomes you are. You me and another lover, you me and a vibrator. You’re kind of a freak and tbh I’m into it. Sometimes I come home and there you are with nothing but a slutty little sheet stretched across your body and I just can’t hold myself back. I’m insatiable when it comes to you. 

You love having a friend over when they’re willing to come. It’s me who worries about them feeling like a third wheel. It’s me who feels scared they won’t like you. Maybe I’m too much of a social climber. Maybe I’m the one who needs to just let you be who you are. 

But there are lots of people who do respect our relationship. Remember when there was that party at my house a few months ago? I got overwhelmed and went to find you. For a while it was just us, me spewing tears and snot and you taking it like a champ. But then a few friends came and sat with us. You welcomed them in just as you do for me. Then we sang songs and told stories of happier days we’d shared and dreamed about happier days to come. That was a good day. I cried a lot, but it was still a really good day. 

Maybe we should try couples counseling. Or throuples counseling as it were. Depression isn’t going anywhere but neither am I. I think I need to work on not letting the outside world dictate how I feel about our relationship. I think I need to let myself be present with you when we’re together. Although maybe we have gotten a little codependent. Maybe many things can be true at once. We can work on seeing each other a little less and we can appreciate each other completely. I can strengthen my relationships with other friends at the same time as knowing that there’s nothing wrong with the time we spend together. 

Bed, those 72 hours a couple weeks ago were brutal. You were the one who got me through. Thank you for that. A lot of days have been brutal lately. The world is a scary place lately. It’s nice to know I have someone like you I can return to at the end of the day.

All this to say, I love you Bed and I need you in my life. Our life together hasn’t always been a bed of roses, so to speak, but when it comes down to it, you’re my oldest, dearest friend. Thank you for being the shoulder I cry on, and the one I go to when the rest of the world is just too much. Our relationship may be complicated, but it’s worth fighting for. I know that now. 

Sun is calling again. She really can be a pain, but I do sort of miss her. I’m going to answer. No, even better, I’ll go meet her at the park! It will be nice to catch up again with the old crew. I can’t wait to tell you all about it later. 

Thank you Bed. For everything. I’ll see you soon. 

Love, 

Abbie